Writing in the mist

I've been laid up in bed for most of a month, sick in a way that sidelined everything but what had to be done - ordering groceries, hugging the kids, checking Facebook and watching hulu. And fretting, in between naps, about writing my book.

The book, as you may remember, is due Oct 1. I have made tremendous progress in researching it - who knew there were so many incredible people facing their fears so quietly - people brave enough to want to share their stories with me? So the desktop file holder I bought at the start of the project, which six months ago held nothing but chapter titles on empty folders, is now full of notes, photos, pictures, opening scenes and story lines in progress. But no chapters.

Then, all my energy fell out from under me. I couldn't focus long enough to read the books I need to read, to chase the stories in the field the way I had throughout the fall and winter. I stopped journaling, I was too tired. "This thing isn't going to write itself!" I scolded myself, as my eyes closed, again and again. It appeared I wasn't writing the thing, either.

But something happened in the time I spent half-asleep. I dreamed. Mist rolled in, mist rolled out. I was back, facing my fear of the water, the cold, of failure, of the unknown. I could feel it, in my skin, in my bones. I could see myself, ridiculous and heroic, by turns. By myself, in my bed, I laughed out loud at my memories. I woke up one day and wrote 10,000 words. A chapter, born whole.

I just need to be the Octo-mom now, and give birth to 8 more live babies in the next six months. It can be done, I am sure of it. All I need is a combination of drive, focus, and lying in the mist.

The doctor says I'll be back to myself in the next week or two. But I may just stay in bed.

What's Cooking? Janet Zappala's Cooking!

Had such a great time chatting with Janet Zappala and Paulina Brusca on Blog Talk Radio's "What's Cooking" show, about facing fears in midlife. What warm, honest, fun, insightful women they are, talking head on about fears of the unknown and of failure that keep so many from making big life changes. Tune in and share our stories, some laughs, and a great recipe for Chocolate Walnut Upside Down Cake in honor of Facing Forty Upside Down!

I love love love tape tape

Putting R (now 6!) to bed last night, she peered into me intently, stroking my hair and face. "Mommy, when I look at you, you're bright. Brighter than anything. Like, when I look at other people's mommies they're darker. But when I look at you I feel so bright inside. And I feel like put together we must be shining so much. Can other people see it, too?" I am sure sun rays beamed out every one of my pores when I replied, "You make me feel bright, too! I think it's because we love each other so much. So yes, other people may feel just as bright with their mommies and daughters and the people they love, too." R kicked her legs happily, waving her hands like a conductor counting beats to each word she spoke next: "Tomorrow, Mommy, I will write you a note. It will say 'I love love love love love love love tape tape anotber piece of paper love love love you!'"

Wishing all of you sunshine aplenty on this beautiful spring day.

Listen to Your Mother NYC Cast List Announced!

Ever since I heard about Listen to Your Mother, a series of live, staged readings sponsored by BlogHer in cities around the country celebrating mothers, I wanted in. I wanted to tell the world about my children, about the way they break and remake my heart every day. I wanted to meet other writers, actors, producers and moms, and share their stories, step into their streams of consciousness and come up laughing. And more than anything, I wanted a chance to SPEAK, UNINTERRUPTED, FOR FIVE MINUTES ONSTAGE. My wishes are coming true!!! I am thrilled to be a part of the first annual Listen to Your Mother Show in NYC (click for the entire cast list)! The live show will be on Sunday, May 6. Stay tuned for ticket sale info. I'm going to go rehearse. I feel some good dramatic pauses coming on...