Radio Go Girl!

We crack ourselves up!!!!!  Radio Go Girl host Jen Towner interviewed me the morning after NEITHER of us slept - woo hoo - good times!!!  Come take a peek inside our delirious minds by clicking here:  Radio Go Girl!

Or, if you're in the Richmond VA area, tune in TODAY at 4 pm here:   WHAN Radio

Me and My Big Mouth. Operation: Find My Floor - Day 38

What was I thinking?  Spending the 47 days of Lent releasing attachments to earthly possessions in the first real spring cleaning of my life sounded good.  It sounded...virtuous.  Yogic.  Like something a good mother would do.  Operation: Find My Floor was conceived with every earnest self-improvement intention in the world.

And what has it turned me into?  A lunatic.

An angry, raving lunatic. 

Last week, DH observed:  "It seems to me, that you are moving everything out of your office and into other rooms."  Fair enough. He has, with great patience, spent 2 weekends moving bookshelves, books and desks at my behest, and he's not stupid.  After 25 years of being sucked into one cockamamie scheme of mine after another he knows what's going on:  I don't have a plan for what to do with them. 

My Secret Hiding Place is now housing a rocking chair and desk with no drawers, our bedroom is stacked high with books that don't belong in the office but have nowhere else to go.  A layer of toys, like migrating butterflies, but not as pretty, have settled over everything once again.  We are both afraid, knowing me, that I'm running out of gas, and pretty soon reorganized chaos will settle in and become our reality, no better than before.

Mary Carlomagno, who made me throw away many prized possessions in our first purge, is now the target of a rebellion she is not even aware of.  "I'm keeping this peacock feather because it reminds me of Kir's party, EVEN THOUGH I have 100 pictures of it - DO YOU HEAR ME MARY?  OH, and just try making me throw out my Trip of a Lifetime baseball cap, I will never do it, never!  HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT??" 

To be fair, I have about 100,000 prized possessions with no practical value.  Mary wouldn't be doing her job without making me cut the cord on some of them.  But the growing up and letting go, hurts. 

And with a week to go before the self-imposed deadline of Easter, tonight, the toilet overflowed and leaked all over the kitchen.  Enter Angry, Raving, Lunatic.

I am tired, my back is killing me, and Mary is away on vacation.  I'm going to plunge the toilet now, and then watch a movie with DH, who deserves a night off more than anyone I know.  No more cleaning tonight.  DO YOU HEAR THAT, MARY??  (please come back).

I Spy...The Worst Mother in the World!

Is there a Worst Mom in the World contest? If so, start voting for me.

At 10-year-old G's recent physical, the nurse returned declaring "She can't see anything but the top line of the eye chart. What kind of mother are you, anyway?"  Actually, she only said the first part, but believe me, she meant the second.

"What?"  I can't believe it.  I ask G a question I've asked many times in the past:  "Can you see what's on the blackboard at school?"

"Yes," she replies, same answer as always.  There!  See, Accusatory Nurse!  She can see the board!  There must be something wrong with your chart.

Then G elaborates.  "If I look at it long enough, and think really hard, the fog goes away."

No.  You did not just say that.

Accusatory Nurse cocks her head.  "Do you have a pediatric eye doctor?"  Meaning, "You moron." 

Do we have a pediatric eye doctor?  Of course we do!  Between our 2 special needs kids we have every kind of doctor.  We have checkups and followups and emergency visits and tests and retests, and I monitor it all.  For kids with learning disabilities and developmental delays, it's basic - check for hearing, check for eyesight.  So many problems can be traced back to the simplest things. 

I am an idiot. All that complaining about wanting a larger TV to be able to read instructions playing Wii?  Maybe G wasn't just angling for a wide-screen HDTV!  The time she accompanied her dad to get his glasses fixed and couldn't read the chart? Maybe she wasn't just angling to buy herself some cool frames.  All the "I can't read this, read it for me" pleas, maybe weren't all out of laziness or dyslexia?

I am so, so sorry, I tell G.  She takes it all in stride. She never really knew how much she wasn't seeing until she gets her glasses.  Every time she puts them on now:  "Ahh, so clear," and I ache all over again thinking of all she may have missed. 

The other day she peered at me intently from behind her red frames, as if for the first time.  Judgement.  I wonder what she sees.

"Mom, you look pretty.  Now that you're not all fuzzy anymore."

Whew.  That could have gone either way!

And whew.   She can see the world.


Sing it with us, friends:

Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, say how do you do?
They're really saying, I love you.

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

And the winners are....

Some people are told from birth they can grow up to be anything they want to be.  My parents told me to be an accountant. Which may account for my goal-setting issues!

I never thought I would grow up to be President, or win a Nobel Prize, or hear the words:  "You are, Top Chef."  And I never, not ever, thought I would be named a Top 25 Funny Mom at Circle of Moms.  Hysterical Mom?  More likely.  So thank you, dear friends, for nominating and voting me into the company of women who know how to find the funny! 

All those who know me well know that there has been as much heartache as humor these past two years.  I have cried until I've laughed and laughed until I've cried, and the strength of this blog lies in its power to uplift all of us, whatever situation we're in, to find a friend, face a fear, and embark on an adventure.  Thank you for coming along for the ride.

And for those ardent fans who voted, shared links, bullied relatives and subordinates into voting, and those who have changed their lives already - spent a weekend purging, created their own secret hiding place, signed up for swim lessons - I HEART YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.  A contest for books may sound like a bald-faced bid for votes, but in this case it was that PLUS a way for me to thank you.  You're going to love Mary Carlomagno's Secrets of Simplicity.  I can't wait to see how it alters your reality.  Please send pictures.

And the winners are....

Amy C!
Laura A!
Cheryl S!
Meryl B!
Matt L!

Send me an email: ankerATverizonDOTnet with your mailing address!

If you didn't win this book, don't despair.  In coming weeks I'll be running some fan photos of y'all facing life upside-down - maybe we could run a contest for best action shot!  Send in pics of your headstands, clean rooms, conquered fears!

As for me, now that I know anything is possible, I'm going for America's Next Top Model.  Hey. You never know.